The calendar itself sold like gangbusters, but it didn't bring in any clients, aside from the occasional dirty old man who I had to send away with a bee in his ear and a lump on his noggin.

If Sham didn't sometimes give me a chance to waste entire days sitting in his crummy office, I'd have to waste entire days sitting in my own crummy office.

I yawned again, hard enough to bulge out of my worn pinstripes, poured myself another little shot from the rapidly-shrinking cream soda. This bottle was a good year, but it was just about as old as it was ever going to get.

I was staring up at the fly-specked ceiling, gargling a mouthful thoughtfully, when the door clicked and the staccato tap of high heels crossed the worn floorboards. I lowered my eyes to a vision of feline pulchritude -- soulful baby blues peering timidly through gleaming Veronica Lake tresses of platinum blonde, soft white shoulders rising from a low-cut and lacy confection of velvet, cupid's-bow lips of coral pink -- and a build to make all the above irrelevant. I spewed cream soda out my nostrils in unladylike fashion and my feet hit the floor, along with the glass.

She looked around for the visitor's chair, which was propping the window open at the moment. I tried to say, "Make yourself at home, beautiful," but the cream soda was still in the way.

While I goggled and gurgled, she plumped her tight little bottom onto the corner of the desk, crossed long, lissome, creamy-white legs and peered curiously at me.
"Mr. Schpade?" her voice was high, sweet, and made my kidneys vibrate in tune. Oh, Suffering Sappho, I was in lust -- just lust, mind you, but it'd do until the real thing came along!

"Mr. Schpade, you don't look at all like they describe you."

"Aaaargh -- Unnngk -- " I responded intelligently, as cream soda dribbled out my nose, "Well, I'm taller in my stiletto heels, doll."

She stared at me blankly, knit her delicately-arched brows, and I could see the wheels turning slowly.

"You're a girl!" she announced finally, in tones of innocent amazement. "And a pretty one, too."

"Bingo, doll," I retorted. "I'd stack my femininity up against yours any day. In fact, why don't we adjourn to the executive bedroom right now and do just that..?"